Lately a lot of atheist bloggers have been making fun of Trevin Wax‘s theory that gay sex is bad because men can’t be bros without being mistaken for gay anymore. And to be fair there are a lot of really laughable aspects to his theory: for instance, he seems to believe it is some kind of Inevitable Law of Nature that when one person gets more free someone else gets less free. (Maybe that explains the whole “we’re propping up dictators to protect our freedom” aspect of US foreign policy. America is just trying to hog all the freedom for itself.)
Despite that… well, I kind of agree with him.
Wax is right that many same-sex friendships avoid displays of affection for being thought of as “gay.” Of course, this is the result of homophobia and the fact that far too many people think of “gay” as an insult, not the natural result of gay people being public about their sexual orientation. But then he’s a homophobe clutching at increasingly desperate straws, what do you expect, rational argument?
There are very few ways of expressing affection in American culture that are not instantly read as romantic. “I love you”? Romantic. Snuggling or holding hands? Romantic. Thoughtful little just-because presents? Romantic. Commitment to maintaining your relationship over the long term or even spend your lives together? Romantic. Agonizing about whether to break up with someone, or crying into your ice cream when you fight? Romantic.
So therefore we tend to assume that all really intense friendships are really sexual or romantic. See the idea that men and women can’t be friends, the people who refuse to allow their romantic partners to be friends with people of the same gender as them and, yes, the homophobic fear that being friends with someone of the same gender makes you gay.
American culture makes a lot of really toxic assumptions about friendship. For one thing, we tend to assume that a romantic relationship– even if new and fragile– is always and everywhere more important than a friendship– even if old and deep. Sometimes the friends themselves believe it and end up ditching their friends for a romantic relationship only to return after the inevitable breakup. For another, many people seem to believe that friendship is something that diminishes in importance as you get older. In middle school, your best friend is the most important person in the world, and in college, bros before hos (fistbump); but soon enough prioritizing friendship means you’re a manchild who refuses to grow up, and you wind up forty years old with no friends but your spouse.
I agree with Dean Spade‘s wise words that we need to move towards treating friends more like we treat lovers and lovers more like we treat friends. To have boundaries with and reasonable expectations of our lovers, and to value, commit to, and deeply cherish and invest in our friendships.
THIS! A a single MAAB neutrois – if it wasn’t for my family, I’d NEVER get any affectionate touch. Sometimes I am desperate for a cuddle … so: Cuddling with female friend? No, because it could be misread as “wanting more”. Cuddling with male friend? No, socially sanctioned and maybe met with extreme confusion or disgust even. *sigh* *hugs pillow*
It’s a form of sensory deprivation that is deeply rooted in societal (gender) stereotypes – and certainly not healthy.
This is one of the things I love about Middle Eastern cultures: out there (and here, for the immigrants/visitors) you see men walking down the streets holding hands like it’s nothing, because it is nothing (romantically speaking). Of course, a big part of this is due to the severe separation of the sexes, as well as a sort of doublespeak about what’s public vs the truth (akin to Japan’s ura vs omote)— and that is problematic for a whole different set of reasons. All the same, I love seeing the freedom to express intimacy, especially platonic intimacy. This damn country is so shackled in its Protestant Puritanical upbringing… I really wish we’d take a healthy outlook on life for once.
This is why people cuddle with their doggies and kitties.
I think that part of the problem is that first, you go to school and make friends, and then you go to college and you don’t see your high school friends very much but you make friends in college, and then you graduate and you don’t see your college friends very much because you have a job that takes up a lot of your time and so on…
I saw some bros hugging it out today–not like high-five-back-tap hugs (which can also be very meaningful, but are less transgressive), like extended, Man it was really good to see you let’s make sure we do this more often, hugs. Round robin-ed among like four dudes. I was sitting there drinking my coffee trying not to stare at them but in my head I was thinking OH MAN YES THESE BROS ARE HUGGING IT OUT, GOOD FOR YOU BROS, Don’t let the culture of male isolation tell you you can’t show affection for your pals.
Major changes in “culturally acceptable” expressions of male-to-male affection are often easily dated to the aftermath of high-profile prosecution of sodomy or homosexuality. It’s not “natural” except that it’s a clear and logical response to incentives–if dudes are getting arrested for holding hands, you stop doing it. Culture changes–and we can change it back. And so I celebrate the bros hugging it out in the coffee shop. Fight the power. With hugging.
I think a major problem is that US culture seem to implicitly equate maturity and adulthood with surrender. Having dreams, friends, etc. is considered “childish.” Giving up and giving in to an isolated existence where one is married to a job they are doing simply to pay the bills (as opposed to what they truly want to do) is “simply a part of growing up.”
Interesting take! I remember there was a scene in the movie of Fellowship Of The Ring where Aragorn gently kisses the dying Boromir on the forehead and I believe I heard someone groan. (In general Tolkien is homosocial but not -slash notwithstanding- homosexual.
That said, I read the original article and except for the fact that the guy is Christian his argument doesn’t seem particularly religious. I know a lot of atheists who have the same heteronormative prejudices.
This is one of the things I really miss about undergrad. The culture of the school I went to was very cuddle-your-friends, hugs for routine goodbyes, stuff like that.
Linkspam: December 28th, 2012 | The Asexual Agenda
Excellent points. I have frequently been dismayed by my friendships with heterosexual men, particularly those a decade or more my senior. While I do not wish to generalize about all men, the men I am friends with seem to have internalized cultural messages like those seen in the movies of their generation (“When Harry Met Sally,” for example) and have difficulty being true friends to me.
The friendships are either distant and cold, or quickly trespass boundaries in an inappropriate manner, and while the former leaves me a bit disappointed, the latter is a whole lot more devastating and embarrassing to deal with for both parties involved. And unfortunately, because most women my age have kids in grade/high school and thus tend to gravitate toward other parent-friends, I generally find myself sticking with my life partner for all of my social needs. That gets limiting and lonely too, since my partner firmly believes I am an extrovert pushed into introversion by circumstance. (I’m not so sure, since I love solitude, but I guess I really do love performing and working a room.)
American friendship mores are quite sad and isolating for many people.
*Should read, “Most women my age or older.”
(It occurred to me that I’ve never really tried being friends with younger folks because that’s often seen as creepy – there’s another silly American friendship “convention” – and I’m intimidated by my lack of knowledge/participation in social networks. Could be worth a try?)