People who have been following me for a while may be familiar with my hate-hate relationship with Glenn Grothman, Wisconsin State Senator and worst person alive. Well, he’s decided to branch out from his usual sexism, bizarre theories about abuse and (worst of all) statistical illiteracy to question why schools teach kids about Kwanzaa.
I will now summarize his arguments:
1) Kwanzaa was invented by some dude in the sixties. As we know, no holidays were ever invented (certainly not by Hallmark). Instead, as we have learned from Nightmare Before Christmas, all genuine holidays come from towns where they’re enacted and occasionally stolen by endearing stop-motion animation characters. By ignoring this age-old tradition, Kwanzaa threatens the very definition of holiday itself.
2) Maulana Karenga, the inventor of Kwanzaa, assaulted some people and was involved in an organization that murdered people. Clearly, we cannot celebrate holidays invented by people who did bad things, which is why no one celebrates
Thanksgiving Genocide Day.
3) No black people care about Kwanzaa. Except, presumably, the five million black people in America who celebrate Kwanzaa every year. They don’t count.
4) Kwanzaa is an attempt by liberals to keep black people from celebrating Christmas. Because no one can celebrate two holidays during the same month! That’s just crazy talk. We may expect any day now Grothman’s press release about the anti-Christian horrors of New Year’s.
5) Liberals hate America and want to destroy it by convincing people that the values of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution don’t apply to everyone. You may be like “hey, wait, don’t liberals and other lefty-type people usually support the ACLU?” but actually supporting the values in the Constitution are just the liberals’ cunning attempt to disguise how much they hate the Constitution. Instead, liberals are going to fight the Constitution by getting people not to celebrate a holiday that is nowhere mentioned in the Constitution. Oh those fiendish liberals!
6) Nobody fucking tell Senator Grothman about Hanukkah. I don’t think he could face the revelation that there are people– white people!– who don’t even celebrate Christmas. His head would explode.