Obligatory Disclaimer Things
1) I am one person with borderline personality disorder! I am not the expert! This is just what it feels like to me, given my background, coping mechanisms, etc. Also I have comorbid generalized anxiety disorder and social phobia; someone else who has different comorbid Brain Issues (or, like, no comorbid issues at all? which is apparently a thing for some people) will have a different experience. You should not assume that all borderlines have the same psychology I do. People with BPD who have different experiences than me are welcome to share in the comments.
2) Please note that I have borderline personality disorder, and I will be reading the comments. So if you say that people with BPD are empathyless abusers who are incapable of love, you are saying that to me. I will delete your comment and then I will probably go cry because Jesus, people.
3) While this should not be super-triggery, I do go into some detail about the mental processes of a person with borderline personality disorder and mention suicide and self-harm.
To me, borderline personality disorder feels like it has three different aspects: fear of abandonment, lack of a self-image, and really really wild mood swings.
The fear of abandonment part is probably the part that ends up hurting other people the most. I literally have panic attacks at the thought of not having any friends; I am desperate to keep everyone from hating me or being upset at me because if they do they will leave me and then– well, it’s kind of hard, as a borderline, to complete that sentence, because the only answer my brain tosses up is “and then everything will be awful and hurt forever and you will probably stop existing.”
Every conversation I have feels like a tightrope walk where if I say the wrong thing then I will be abandoned forever. I’m manipulative, sometimes, like a lot of borderlines. I need attention and validation; if I’m not reassured often that someone likes me, I’ll tend to conclude that they hate me. I get very clingy and needy and then run away because oh god I’m too clingy they will hate me now. I test people a lot. Do you say hi to me if I don’t say hi first? Do you notice if I look sad and ask if something’s wrong?
There are a couple of things I do when I think someone hates me. The first is to frantically propitiate them: to be kind enough and smart enough and sexy enough and do everything they want and never ask for anything that might inconvenience them and then maybe– even if they don’t like me– they’ll just put up with me. The second is to hurt myself (if I’m hurting they will pay attention to me!) or the person who hates me (if they stay with me even if I’m hurting them they must really like me!). The third is to decide that I don’t like them and so I am not upset that they want to leave me. I am really good at that. I don’t even have anyone I’m currently in contact with whom I’ve known for more than two years.
Like a lot of borderlines, I’m bad at the concept that people still exist when they’re not in contact with me. I forget people when they’re not around. If I have things that belong to someone, I can remember them, which is why I tend to collect presents that people I love have given me. I’m also bad at the concept that people can be things other than “perfect paragons whose feet I should kiss” and “scum of the earth.” You’re perfect if you love me, and you’re scum if you might leave.
Another big thing in borderline personality disorder is… well, the DSM calls it “affective instability,” and your more poetical psychologist-types call it “having no emotional skin.” I feel everything more intensely than a neurotypical person does. A cute picture of a sloth can leave me so happy I’m incapable of forming words. A C on a test can make me suicidal. (Lots of borderline people get into really intense rages; I don’t. In fact, I can count the number of times I felt anger not at myself on one hand. You see, anger is a bad emotion and it will make people mad at you and then they will leave.)
Like a lot of borderline people, I’m impulsive as hell. In the moment, the feelings are so intense that you can’t imagine not wanting to destroy all your possessions to punish yourself for being such a bad person. The idea of waiting a few minutes to see if it still sounds like a good idea is ludicrous. After all, the feeling is so big, surely I’ll feel it for the rest of forever. (This, despite the fact that my emotions rarely last ten minutes.)
Since little emotions are incredibly intense, big emotions are even more fucking intense. I dissociate under stress, which means that everything stops feeling real to me; I’m lucky, because at least I don’t have severe paranoia or psychosis. On the other hand, when nothing is happening to make me feel anything, it all feels kind of sad and empty compared to the big feelings that I normally have. That’s another reason I get impulsive: anything to feel.
The third thing is unstable self-image, which I developed a really good coping mechanism for, so I don’t experience it as much as a lot of other borderline people do. Most people… kind of know who they are. They have a sense of self. Borderlines don’t. Some of them end up clinging on other people for a sense of self, or rapidly changing everything about themselves. Me, I have labels. People have told me that I’m a geek and a skeptic and a feminist and kind and loyal and tough and smart and poly and queer and genderqueer and forgetful and flaky and shy and obsessive and so I have all these words and they kind of pin down who I am.
I said “people have told me” deliberately. I don’t know how to know things about myself, other than people telling me. I tend to stare at personality questionnaires going ??? and then having to ask if the answer fits me because I have no idea who I am. I also get very distressed when people contradict each other about my personality traits because how will I know who I am if people disagree about it?
::still thinks you’re awesome::
Sounds a lot like me a couple of years ago. I don’t know if I have BPD though – now I’m mostly OK…
most of this seems pretty understandable. you describe what I see as being just amplified versions of how a neurotypical person copes with stress, but with as you said, no skin to protect you.
the bit I’m sorta sitting here blinking at is the idea that you don’t know what you’re like, or “who you are” as you put it. that is a completely foreign idea to me. it would be like not being able to have a rough idea of where my body is in relation to itself. I don’t have to think about it, my feet are over there, my shoulders are over here, what do you mean people have to hold your feet for you to know where they are? can’t you just feel them there?
I’ve got friends who say they’ve got a bit of a shaky sense of who they are sometimes and the only think I know to do with them is tell them what I like about them and then cite clear concrete examples of them demonstrating those traits/behaviors.
I’m trying to think about how I can be a better friend, (don’t think I know anybody with diagnosed borderline Personality Disorder, I do know people who have told me they feel some of the ways you say you feel here, some of them have anxiety problems, some do that thing where you over-please, some of them don’t know who they are sometimes, and some have mood swings that have left me dodging shoes) so if you’ve got an essay in the pipes on being a good friend to somebody with your chemistry, that would be cool and I would read it.
That sounds hard. Thank you for sharing.
Yikes! And I thought having severe ADHD coupled with clinical depression was rough–that whole self-image thing just hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s hard to imagine just how difficult it must be to never know who you are.
The only thing I rely on other people for is “am I perceived as being mean or annoying? If so, I need to change some of my behaviors a bit, because I don’t like annoying or hurting people.” I feel like I should be able to figure this out on my own, but I have severe problems gauging how things will be received by others without testing it through trial-and-error. Half of the important things that I’ve kept from my parents are kept from them because I don’t know how to explain them without making my parents angrier than they need to be.
I totally feel you on the impulse thing. I dig my nails into my palms a lot when I’m depressed, or chew on the inside of my mouth, because feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, and I need to feel that badly. I think this may also be why I can be so insanely impulsive at times: it feels so good to Not Be Numb that I want to feel all the good feelings at once!
The fear of abandonment is something I have to a somewhat lesser extent; I had so few friends growing up (and almost all of them were blood relatives) that having a friend or lover is a Strange And Wonderful Thing to me. I become desperate not to lose that thing, because I was lonely for so long that I don’t ever want to be there again. This means that I have trouble saying no to people, even when I know that I really should.
big ups for talking about it. i never imagine that anybody has this stuff.
This is really interesting. Thanks for sharing – it’s very generous of you.
I have a friend with BPD, and while she’s not you and vice versa, your descriptions of how BPD affects you helped me understand her actions a little better, I think. So thanks.
Also, this bit makes sense to me: well, it’s kind of hard, as a borderline, to complete that sentence, because the only answer my brain tosses up is “and then everything will be awful and hurt forever and you will probably stop existing.” Not because I have BPD but because I have OCD, and this is the answer when I ask myself what will happen if I *don’t* follow through on some obsession or compulsion. INSTANT WORLD-ENDING CRISIS BLACK HOLE OF DOOM, is what. And my rational brain knows better, but its itty-bitty voice is hella hard to hear over the BLACK HOLE OF DOOM.
PS: For me, you are definitely “Ozy, whose work I admire.”
Ozy, you are awesome. Your writing and ideas are great. You are making the world a better place.
I know I sometimes seem to be very contrary, and probably will make posts here from time to time that seem that way. Its only because I’m nitpicking. Most things you write are flawless, and the rest is still pretty good.
Ozy, thank you so much for writing this. I think that so often people forget to think about what it’s like to be in the head of a person with a psychological disorder.
Also, even if you struggle to know who you are outwardly, your level of self-awareness of the tricks your brain plays on you is truly impressive! I’m sure it comes from years of painful learning, too, so kudos!
Seconding Kasey here. It takes a lot of guts to stand up on the internet and say the things you’ve said, out loud where people can read them and potentially be ignorant dicks about it.
I can identify with a lot of what you’ve written here. It’s like being blindfolded on a fucking rollercoaster, waiting at the top for the ride to start, and thinking you just heard a wheel fall off (or something, I guess rollercoasters don’t really have wheels, do they?).
At any rate, love and Jedi hugs to you, if you want them.
(And I’ll still like you even if you don’t want ‘em.)
Ozy, I’m sitting here snuggling my kitten and crying. It’s like a good cry because OMG Somebody Else Feels Like Me So I’m Not Strange and Abnormal, and then it’s the holy shit somebody else feels like me. : / You nailed it perfect, I’ve never been able to put into words the way my brain works like you just did. You’re amazing Ozy, I’m sorry your brain does jacked up things to you but thank you so much for sharing it with us. You made one lost little internet geek feel a lot less alone and strange today.
…kinda worried I might have borderline personality disorder now.
I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnoses themselves over things they read over the internet, firstly because I tend to be kind of hypochondriac sometimes and if I read stuff that kind of sort of feels like it might apply to me I get totally convinced that I have xyz and I’m going to die. And secondly, because I guess professionals should do the diagnoses or they don’t count? But I feel like I can identify with a lot of stuff you say here.
I’ve never been diagnosed with anything other than some minor stuff over a short interview, I think it was something like “repressed and unstable personality” or stuff like that. But now I kind of feel like I might have suffered from a lot of symptoms that fit the descriptions of BPD and I think I probably have, sans any treatment or therapy, figured out ways for myself to cope with them.
Like, when I was young, I had all the same things about defining my self through my friends – I didn’t know my “self” so I always felt like I was like a chameleon, like I was a different person according to my present company, always trying to be the kind of person that would “fit in” with the people, and then I’d get intense dysphoria whenever the different “crowds” would intersect and I wouldn’t know how I should act. I’ve had to learn to consciously avoid this behaviour of trying to please everyone, and I’ve had to learn to say no to people, although sometimes I feel like I just act coldly or like an asshole to people just so I can “trick” myself into not being a doormat.
And sometimes, I do stuff and I don’t know why I do it. Like I can be really emotionally distant to people I love, and inside I feel like I don’t want to act that way and I want to be nice to them but then I still do stuff that isn’t nice and I don’t know why. I guess, because I get all these emotions that go from one extreme to another and they just sort of sweep me in and then I do or say stuff I don’t mean and then I feel bad about it later.
And I still have a hard time defining who I am. I’m the same with labels as Ozy. I accumulate all these labels that I feel describe me (or that I would want to describe me). Then suddenly I feel totally different and then I have to start over.
But like I said, I’ve found ways to cope with all of this so that I can be somewhat functional. In fact, I probably can be so functional these days that to outside perception it seems that I’m totally “normal”, just maybe a bit moody sometimes, because I tend to keep all the shit that goes through my head inside, because I don’t want to bother anyone with it, that’d just be… I don’t even know. Like, calling attention to myself? Being a total attention whore, and then no one would like me, I guess.
Wow, I totally didn’t even mean to write this wall of text, I guess I just feel really messed up inside and it sort of helps to write somewhere about it. Kind of easier to write about it to bunch of strangers instead of people I know.
People who think you might have BPD, I really encourage you to see a therapist with a specialty in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy if you can. Borderline is actually one of the most treatable of the personality disorders, and DBT has been clinically shown to work.
(If you can’t afford therapy, look into group therapy or even a DBT self-help workbook.) Also, even if you *don’t* have BPD, there is probably something wrong if you’re considering the possibility, so it’s good to get it checked out.
I’ve been staring at an open tab in my browser for about a week now, with a name and an address and a phone number. I’ve forgotten how hard it is to make that first appointment. Especially since I’m going to try making a go at it without telling anyone because holy crap it takes spoons to justify yourself. Not to mention how hard it is to have a parent that doesn’t really believe in mental illness, and another that thinks anxiety is something that one can just “get over” on their own.
I share a lot of similarities with you, but I think mine are just plain anxiety and panic triggered by certain stuff. Your symptoms and behaviors match me from about 6+ years ago almost to a tee, though, and it’s left me wondering what happened to my fear of abandonment. I guess it’s turned from a gut-wrenching, constant possibility to an inevitability that I’m apathetic toward now. Definitely still wrong, but way I see it, one less thing to have a freakout over is always going to be a plus in my book.
@Ozy:
Thank you for your candor. It’s both admirable and helpful, in that it provides an overview effect.
In the same spirit: I don’t (have?) borderline personality disorder, but tests indicate that I’m on the autistic spectrum, a diagnosis with which I am comfortable. It’s not the same, but it presents its own challenges: if I don’t watch my mouth constantly, I WILL say something stupid or inappropriate; I need to dedicate a significant amount of conscious processing power to figure out what people actually mean, based on my library of experiences, what I know of the person, and their body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice (as compared to my internal indices of such as indicators); I can be pedantic (go figure) and have to constantly monitor myself to make sure I don’t dominate any conversation in which I participate; I have difficulty maintaining eye contact; and I tend to think about things in ways most people don’t (such as an absence of sentimentality where some people expect it, and an excess of sentimentality in other situations).
It’s a bit like driving a manual transmission when everyone else drives an automatic. And my brakes don’t work quite as well as everyone else’s. =)
These are not the only ways of being autistic; they’re just mine. It doesn’t make me an expert; it makes me a data point.
I’m not trying to play Oppression Olympics with you; I don’t feel that my challenges are either easier or harder than yours. To use a phrase I don’t like very much, “they are what they are.” They’re challenges; we face them, day by day. In that sense, I feel a sense of solidarity with you.
Happy hunting!
It’s hard for me to justify getting (or even seeking, I’m not sure if there are even any possibilities for me to get any) therapy, after all if I manage to be functional and have learned ways to cope with things, why should I make all that fuss… again the whole “don’t be needy or beg for attention” thing, everyone should just be quiet and rough it out and keep their problems to themselves, that’s how it goes, right…
thanks for writing that, that was very informative and interesting. I identify with some of the things you wrote – the big part that didn’t mesh with me was the “trying to get people to like me or they’d leave” part – I’m not really into people that much I guess, so I don’t mind so much. I do, however, not know how to trust that people won’t leave if they don’t tell me so repeatedly – how else could I know what people are thinking other than them telling me?!
And rather than people not existing when they’re not there, pretty much nothing exists if I can’t see it, things and people, which is why everything I own is in such a mess, because if it is put away I can’t see it and forget about it completely.
I also thought it was interesting about the not knowing who you are. I have always desperately wanted some one to tell me about myself so I know who I am, but since I tend to not have many friends or be open with people, I can’t ask them to do this. Also, if they said nice things, I wouldn’t believe them anyway.
It’s great to read things like this post, talking about your experiences with BPD, because, like so many other things, it is quite misunderstood; and even those who are open-minded and accepting and so on can only guess so much about another person’s experiences. It’s very useful to actually get an insight into someone else’s world, even if it is just one perspective.
Hi Ozy,
First, I’ve been enjoying your writing for a while now. I first noticed you were a consistently good-to-read commenter on Pervocracy, and now I’ve been enjoying your new blog.
I’m generally a lurker, but I wanted to speak up for a minute, because…
Well, you’ve made a positive difference for me with this post.
I had a parental unit from about age 6-12 with BPD. She emotionally abused and held in thrall three other adults and one other kid for those six years, including my bio parents. I was at the bottom of the pecking order and ended up with some damaging ideas about myself and the world that I have only managed to defeat through stubborn persistence and lots of help from others. I have spent a lot of time being angry at this woman. We are not in contact.
Your post reminded me that she was a person. Maybe even a person who spent a lot of time being afraid, and certain that we would all leave her. She absolutely felt her emotions very strongly. I hadn’t thought about how that might have caused her to act.
I think I might finally be able to reconcile the helpless adoration I felt for her as a child, and the anger as an adult. I feel like I understand her a bit better.
And I think, having remembered that the person with BPD that I knew is just that- a person- it’ll make it a bit easier to remember when I’m presented with opportunities to interact with other people who happen to have BPD.
Thank you.
Ozy, thank you for this. I’ve read descriptions of BPD from the outside, but never one as eloquent about what it’s like from the inside. Thanks for adding to my understanding, as well as all the other great things you write about.
Thank you for sharing this! It is *really* informative to get the perspective of someone with BPD, because DSM-style descriptions often leave me confused, and wanting more. Thank you!
Thank you for writing this – it’s seriously honest, and interesting as well as emotive. I write books, and I’ve been thinking for a while about maybe writing a YA with the main character having borderline personality disorder, so the more I read the more I think ‘I really would like to write about this’.
Thank you for writing this. I hope I can take the opportunity to add my experience having been diagnosed BPD in the context of your post.
Also apologies if this double-posts.
I only until recently had any consciousness of a fear of abandonment, but keeping everybody happy was always important. I got really stressed about how to keep friends from different circles apart if they weren’t going to get along, or just stressed when they didn’t get along.
I always felt like a butterfly or caboose. I never felt like I was part of a social group, but tagged on as well as I could, usually to more than one.
People and things don’t disappear for me when I don’t see them, but when I was little, I acted like they did. I think partially because it hurt too much for them to be gone, and partially because I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel when they were gone. I don’t really keep in touch with friends I don’t see daily, except facebook, and I don’t post stuff. So I guess I still act like they’re gone, but if they appeared again, I’d assume we could pick up where we left off. So I’d say that Ozy and I have different experiences here, but maybe some similarities as well.
Lack of identity is one of the biggest things for me. I know I develop interests and even mannerisms of people I am around a lot. A lot of political things, I have no opinion on, and often have trouble understanding how someone else could have an opinion without doing massive amounts of research. I am extremely easily affected by the opinions of those around me, not just nodding to make peace, but even convinced.
I’d say my coping skill for this is to try to hang around people who I like, because then I’ll be the kind of person I like. Somehow, I know if I like somebody else, but I don’t know if I think the same things as them or not.
Emotional instability is probably what actually causes a problem in my life. I was sent to therapists for “misbehaving by crying too much” when I was a child/teen (as far as I know-maybe my parents and teachers had different reasons but that’s what I was told) And this has not gone away. If I get upset, even if it turns out there wasn’t a reason to, it takes a long time to calm down relative to a “standard” person, and I have to actively distract myself. And the settings on my intensity knob are different than the “standard” as well. And like Ozy said, despite relatively short duration of emotion, it feels like, if I’m sad, I have always been and will always be sad. If I’m happy, I have always been and always will be happy, etc.
I don’t have typical dissociation, but when I get upset, sometimes it feels like I’m floating in a fog and that I can’t hear or see very well. I can definitely still see and hear and feel things normally, but I don’t perceive them that way, if that makes sense. Also my motor control is reduced and I’ll move more violently than I explicitly intend to.
And then of course, the social interactions with various other people when revealing the diagnosis are a whole nother topic. (Which is why I put “diagnosed borderline” rather than “have/am borderline”)
Thanks again Ozy, for sharing. I feel less alone now than I did before reading your post
interesting, i can relate. I really don’t like seeing when people second-guess the nature of borderline. The mood swings associated with borderline are intense. Borderline is like bi-polar except with identities involved. Picking a college major is such an incredibly hard task for me to do because i can get inspiration or motivated by something insignificant allowing a thought to prosper from a seed to a tree within seconds. Its like wow, i should do this or that, these are the impulses. So to those who doubt the disorder haven an open-mind, maybe it is you that has borderline and are struggling to accept the condition as your own due to the black/white style of thinking.
It’s good not to feel alone anymore! Thank you for sharing your experience!
I have Bipolar disorder, but I had no idea what to call what happens to me until I read it from you: disassociating under stress. Now I have been through psychosis twice so I thought it may have been after tremors, similar to after an earthquake. I am now going to talk to my psych and I really want to thank you for sharing this. I thought (some reason I always think this) I was the only one who lost grip of reality when stressed. Thank you.
I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and I want to thank you so much for sharing, it’s kind of put my mind At some ease, knowing I’m not the only one, and it’s also helped me to understand more, since I’m only young. Thank you!:)
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Thank you all for your personal info.. I dated someone fir seven years he is borderline undiognised. But I truly believe he is. Our relationship would be wonderful then he would get mad at me for something stupid, like I didn.t tell him I took out chicken breast for supper he would get mad and say it was over this went on for years the only reason I stuck around cause I loved him and I knew there was something wrong with him. Cause no body would get mad at the things he did, I din.t want to go to kmart one day so he broke up with me saying I have too much drama I am the one with the oroblem not him. He would don.t call me I want nothing to do with you, yet hr would call me 88 times telling me not to bother him tht he is over me, and ‘m a piece of shit and no good.. dayswoud go by and he woukd call up he would sound different his demeanor was different he was still rry he couldn’t explain why he would walk out onme. .. he woukd admit that he can,t help it .. I stuck by that cause I knew he had a problem. But he was unstable not reliable , unpredictable yet predictable is was just a on going cycle that repeated itself. Last week he loved me this week I make him sick, and he saysbi hsve the problem.. if it isn,t borderline what the fuck is it. What’s your take. Thank you for your time I aopreciate it..
I wrote a breif summary of my life wiyh somone who has borderline my heart goes out although I don,t hsve it I was with someone for 7yrs it was a rocky relationship. I always thought maybe its me but it took 7 yrs for me to relize it,s not me. Although I love him still he makes it impossible to work out I’m sure its no intentional he know that I am the only one that knos how he feels. He would break up with me on a weekly basis over stupid things that no oneeeeeee would ever get mad at then he would always walk out leaving me hanging ..he would then call me up call me allkinds of names and call and call then tell me to not call him anymore evan though I wasn’t the one calling he would repeat this over and over. At first I was devasted cause I thought he loved me not knowing about bpd. It was heartbreaking because that is what he did. Then he would realize after a week or so what he did or said he was very apoligetic sometimes sa ying he didn,t reemember things he said. He. Would he would work. On it. Or that I deserved. Someone. Better. . What someones opinion on. That. I will stick. With my. Instinct. But please give me your inpput..
Hi my name is Cody and I am twenty years old I read your article.. You made a lot of really good points that I could relate with almost 100% though honestly I feel discouraged because these last few years of my life have been miserable. Especially with friends and relationships its the worst I can’t seem to keep anyone in my life for a long period of time.. I constantly adjust myself to different people to accommodate there needs.. Not even realizing it at time. I can’t say that I am certain of anything at all. The mood swings acts of rage hurting people close to you and sometimes not even being able to check in with reality before making impulsive choices and of coarse what I do best always manipulate everyone around me. So that I keep everyone in control of how I want them to perceive me. The self worth also comes into play because even though I got everyone thinking a certain way of me I myself have no idea who I am. I do feel intense emotions that move up and down a certain thought never stays in my head for that long.. I feel regret and sadness for how I have treated people and look at myself as worthless and horrible person and trust me I have been told it. But when it comes down to it I start going back to looking at people as pawns and mess with there heads give them false hope just so I can get unstable and leave them again stop talking or whatever happens.. Then after this cycle repeats a few times then I break!! suicidal thoughts self harm rage episodes with are severe for anywhere between 8 to ten hours maybe longest a couple of days then it passes and I go back to my old self.. I would never wish this on anyone. “Sorry for the grammar and run on sentences”
Dear Ozy. Thank you so much for sharing so generously on your blog. I have had a long relationship with a woman who has been diagnosed with bpd. I am still trying to get divorced which is proving screamingly frustrating as we have an adopted child together. I am trying to understand the borderline psyc in order to try and make semse of the hurt and destruction that has been caused to my family, which is why I am reading blogs. I cannaot speak to her about it as the only way I have been able to cope is to disengage. I am impressed with your clarity and self awareness which is so different from my exes gross distortions.
I am curious about the ‘out of site, out of mind’. In a sense that has been the most hurtful of all…that someone who has had such a dramatic impact on me can move on and recreate a new life so fast.
When my ex broke up with me, she swiftly changed her mind and what followed was suicide attempts and claims to not be able to live with out me. Within this time she formed a relationship with a woman she met at a clinic and they moved in together within months of our breakup, got engaged, (although we are not yet divorced) and the new girlfriend is refering to herself as our childs ‘mommy’.
I don’t want to be hateful and insulting about borderlines, and I hope you don’t delete this message. If anything I am trying to understand and empathise whith the actions that have clearly been carried out due to her pathology. What it feels like to me is that my family have been deeply traumatised by her wild actions (she did have a period of psychosis), and that she has happily swanned off into the sunset to recreate a new setup.
I think that the people who have been hurt in this way are the ones who are so critical of those suffering with borderline. What I would like to know, is how do I still find compassion and empathy for this woman, as opposed to anger and resentment. I think many coming out of a relationship with a borderline would like answers that they can never get from there ex.
I really enjoyed your post. Great job describing what it feels like. Thanks for posting from a male borderline/bipolar1. I believe I can feel the difference/s between when I am affected by borderline or by bipolar and occasionally both. Personally, I find the borderline to be much more of a problem to manage.
I run off friends like a machine. Not bragging, being my friend is a project. I can control how close people are to me with relative ease. I know I do it yet I still do it. Surreal really. I actually enjoy when people do “not” like me. Then it makes my game more of a challenge.
Thanks again for a great post and some great followups.
P
I feel the same as you,diagnosed as bpd in 2000 and it’s a lot harder to live with than many people realize. Just a roller coaster of emotions but always levels out after a while-whew! It’s exhausting, thank you for showing humility and courage and telling it like it is.
wow you just explained how i feel soo soo perfect, ive been going to gambling counselling and drink and drug counselling for a little while now after my girlfriend of nearly 5 years left me coz i need to sort myself out and is my soulmate there and i need to give myself the best chance of getting her back, and ive been looking into myself lately (as i have no idea who i am as im everything different days and i came accross bpd and have been researching it loads and every day im more sure but i want real confirmation before i go to my gp coz im scared of all the therapy and stuff, and im sick of doctors not taking me seriously, ive always known i think different to everyone ive known and have said so many times “its so hard being me and having my brain and draining” thank you for this post and i feel what your going through and wish you all the best we are good ppl with unfortunate problems which arent our fault
Well I’m on this page for a good reason! Firstly I woud like to thanku Ozy for such open and frank discussion. I have BPD, diagnosed in my mid twenties after a spell in a psych ward. I count myself as a lucky borderline as mine only rears its ugly head is when I get into a relationship.(Well now! It used to sweep my whole existance!) I’m nearly forty and have had a long period of stability but that was due to me seeking help to enable me to stop drinking and drug use and self harming.(Grouo therapy, CBT, DBT and CAT therapy to name a few.) I have only lived with one man when I was 19 and never since. Hence why I am here! I’ve started a relationship after 3 years of being single (no relationship has lasted more than 18 months) and 2 months in and a hell of a lot of hard work on myself I’m loosing my grip on reality when it comes to him. I try never to do anything wrong in case he gets fed up of me and then I have a massive outburst because he doesn’t show he wants me! Yet I have friends I’m confident I knoiw I’m attractive and funny ( I know all this when I’m single at least) I’ve gained a degree, got a career, a daughter and friends and self esteem. But now I’m in a relationship I’m regressing massively! I want to be happy and with someone but the feelings it raises in me are so painful. I realise I rely on no one and as much as I’ve had a great ten years I’ve been very lonely. I’ve studied incessantly, worked super hard and given a lot of myself to help others and be a good mum but then I get in a relationship and I suddenly feel really alone again! Crap eh! I’m only ok while I’m giving myself to others and expecting nothing in return! I have good friends but no close family as I don’t trust any of them not to let me down. I’ve let go of them with love and no malicis. My friends have alwasy been the family I’ve chosen and iterestingly I don’t have to much issues around friendships now but this whole deep feelings stuff is just such a mine field for me. I dissasociate when we discuss things and he only needs to say god this is hard work for me to have a complete meltdown and say go on then just walk away! He will soon I’m sure and as much as I don’t want that it will probably be a relief as being lonely is far far easier then having feelings like this. Although I intend to try really hard to make changes. I am so aware of how my bpd affects me yet seem so powerless to change it!
My man is different to the abusive men I used to be attracted too and in a way this is harder as I’m trying so hard but the harder I try the more I push and confuse him. Intimate relationship just seem to destroy me (please don’t feel sorry for me, I know no different) I manipulate and push. And yes I know its my stuff but my patterns seem so intrenched I want to feel close to someone desperately that I mess it up. He’s on a pedestal at the moment but soon I will have knocked him off and will not see anything good abt him and I’m trying to stop this happening. So thanks ozy as this is the first time I’ve talked about this in years and most people that are in my life don’t even know I have it! They just think I’m funny and strange and happy being alone and a little eccentric. God be with all us BPD’s x
Never Self-Diagnose On The Internet | Unquiet Slumber for the Sleepers
wow, i hope you will write more sometime. My partner of 4 years told me he was once diagnosed with BPD and later told by another Dr that he didn’t have it. From this read, i can clearly see that he does and that helps me understand HIS side of things and when I can do that, I can cope better myself. So, thanks for that!
Sounds just like me. I need help. I can’t get me. No help available. Been a recluse in my house over a month now and don’t no how to handle…