Sondosia had some really interesting things to say about self-love, which has started to get me to think about the problems I have with the way a lot of people talk about self-love.
“Love your body!” “Everyone is beautiful!” “You’re an amazing person!” “You’re more awesome than you know!” “You’re perfect just the way you are!” Most things that get classified as a “positive affirmation.” Anything put on black-and-white pictures of overweight women doing yoga or birds flying into a sunset. You get the idea.
The problem is that they always sound false to me. I mean… I know I’m not perfect just the way I am. I forgot to turn in a form for long enough that I have to petition the provost to persuade them that, yes, I am attending this institution of higher learning. That is not the act of a perfect person! That’s actually the act of a somewhat ridiculous person!
As for the beauty thing… well, yeah, everyone’s beautiful in the sense that everyone is sexually attractive to someone, and that human bodies in general are pretty cool-looking. But conventional attractiveness is still a thing. While I’m fairly conventionally attractive (thin, white, clear skin, symmetrical features), I doubt hairy legs, bound chests, and haircuts that make one look like a teenage boy are going to be all the rage at Cosmo any time soon.
I would rather have a clear-headed assessment of my flaws and virtues than a smarmy “you’re perfect just the way you are.” For one thing, as a mentally ill person, I’m pretty inclined to declare that my flaws are everything, everything in the world, I suck at all the things. It is very difficult for me to get from “I suck at literally everything” to “I’m fabulous and amazing.” On the other hand, it is fairly easy for me to go from “I suck at literally everything” to “I am forgetful, antisocial, and excessively poor at sales, but on the other hand I’m a pretty good writer, a kind friend, and a Lawful Good Paladin.”
Once I know my flaws, I can say to myself that it’s okay. Everyone has some flaws; mine tend, at worst, to cause minor annoyance to myself and other people. I’m not a horrible person or secretly Hitler. Now that I know what my flaws are and the ways that I differ from Society’s Norm Of How People Should Be, I can work out how to deal with them if I want to– or I can just accept them as a part of myself. You know what? I’m antisocial. I’m staying in on Friday night to watch My Little Pony. I’m cool with that.
And I’d like to be able to point out that I’m forgetful without people being like “stop being so mean to yourself!” I’m not being mean; I’m being accurate. Yes, in high school, I was a creepy, ugly, socially awkward loser. Yes, I am peculiar to the point that it is astonishing anyone wants to date me. I don’t want to put my energy into denying that; I want to put my energy into being like “yep, and I accept that about myself, and I’m awesome anyway.”
I want to make it clear here that I’m absolutely not saying anything about what other people should like. If you happen to find that “everyone’s beautiful” and “you’re perfect just the way you are” make you feel better about yourself, go for it! There is room for more than one way of handling self-image in this world, and what works best for you is going to be rooted in your psychology and lived experience. Ultimately, you should do what makes you feel good.
But for me… you can stack up all your “everyone is beautiful” posters. I’d rather have “prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked female.” And “maybe I am ugly. I’m still fucking awesome.” I’d rather accept my flaws than pretend I don’t have them. And I’d rather have self-compassion than self-love.
>.>
Looking like something out of Cosmo (or having the option to look like that) is not a virtue. Not looking like something out of Cosmo (and not having the option to look like that) is not a flaw. Perhaps you were looking for the words ‘advantage’ and ‘disadvantage’?
Adelene: I realized as I was writing it I was getting “actual flaws” and “flaws As Defined By Society’s Norms” fairly muddled up, but I couldn’t see a way to make the distinction clearer without fucking up the flow.
This post is much more agreeable to me than all those “everyone is perfect” things. But while I can get from “I am horrible at everything ever in every way and a huge burden to everyone” to “I am horrible at everything except (skill X) and a huge burden to everyone except certain cats,” that isn’t really all that much different and I don’t feel better.
Know what I really hate? When the “everyone is sexy” slogans include “so long as you are confident” because I guess they assume everyone can become confident so that doesn’t exclude anyone, or else they just want to make sure I know that I at least am still hideous.
Anyway, your post is great and I do not hate it like I hate most things on this topic! Yay! Let us both stay in and watch MLP this weekend.
I know what you mean, and feel the same way. I have flaws. Heck, I even have things that aren’t objectively flaws, but, all else equal, I would change because that’s my personal preference. And, you know what, being told I how I ought to feel about myself feels awfully intrusive even when it’s the positive affirmation stuff.
The whole “love your body” thing is really ableist. I’m in my twenties and I have a heart condition…. no, I do not love my body (obviously). It doesn’t let me do the things I want to do and it constantly reminds me of its decrepitude, it punishes me when I push my limits. So, telling me to love my body is really disrespectful. I hate it and other people should just back off.
Thank you for this. I’ve always felt the same way about such platitudes–they seem like a cheap substitute for genuine compliments. “You’re no worse than anyone else, hyuk hyuk!”
Maybe I’m grasping at straws here, but does anyone else think that “You’re not ugly–everyone is beautiful!” doesn’t literally mean that the speaker finds the speakee beautiful…rather, that they want to uncouple the speakee’s sense of self-worth from their physical appearance but lack any cultural framework in which to do so? Our culture uses beauty as shorthand for a woman’s personal worth so casually yet so unrelentingly that we don’t really have a way to tell someone “You’re not pretty, but you’re cool for other reasons.” Instead we have to say “No, you really are pretty, just in a different way.”
I experience a variation on this sometimes. I’m fat–not dreadfully so, and it’s concentrated in my boobs and butt so people aren’t looking at it when they talk to me face-to-face, but they definitely notice when I sit down next to them on the bus. Sometimes when I make wry comments about being fat, people assume I’m being self-deprecating and say “But you’re not fat!” Well, actually, by any objective measure, I am. What they actually mean is “You’re not disgusting/lazy/piggish/any of the other negative qualities our culture uses fatness as shorthand for!” They can’t imagine “fat” as a neutral descriptor rather than a negative value judgment.
Hear, hear. The “your flaws, while real, do not make you a bad person, and you have a lot of value” narrative needs to be heard way more often.
I know lots of people with dysphoria of all sorts (not just gender) hate the “love your body” meme. Sometimes it’s actually OK not to love your body so long as you don’t actively hate yourself and stuff.
I am really glad for this post. And I also don’t like the way that words being able to refer to anything erodes their meaning.
Plus there is always the potential for self-modification, for cybernetics and transhumanism. What to say if one is accepting of the body one has now, but intends to upgrade it at the earliest opportunity?
I read that same blog post and had the exact same reaction! Thank you for posting this – you’ve hit the nail exactly on the head.
Also:
“Our culture uses beauty as shorthand for a woman’s personal worth so casually yet so unrelentingly that we don’t really have a way to tell someone “You’re not pretty, but you’re cool for other reasons.” Instead we have to say “No, you really are pretty, just in a different way.””
This x1000.
There’s something really problematic about telling people they are “beautiful on the inside”. It’s like telling a woman she’s “male on the inside” or telling a black person she’s “white on the inside.”
Oh my gods, yes. This. All of it.
Every time I say something totally true, but also negative about my mental health in front of my mother, she goes on and on about how I’m ‘not crazy,’ and I ‘just need to think positively.’ And it makes me want to scream, because I *am* crazy, and I don’t just need to think happy thoughts; I need to understand and accept my faults so I can work around them and be a functional adult!
Argh, pet peeve.
You’re not anti-social. Anti-social people play loud music at 4 am, litter, vandalise and yell at people in the street. Staying inside alone and minding your own business is not anti-social, it’s asocial.
This is almost as annoying as people who think the word “introvert” means “shy, hates people”.
I like the main point you’re making here. I have always felt similarly, that getting a realistic perspective on the good and the bad is more believable, and therefore more comforting, than hearing Everything Is Peachy (which it’s not, so I don’t believe). This is also applicable to many other facets of life.
Thanks for responding to my post! I’m totally with you on the idea that people–especially those of us with mental illnesses–need to develop rational and realistic assessments of ourselves. I feel like this whole “I am awesome and I love myself!!11!” thing would actually distract or prevent me from improving on my flaws, because if I spent all my time thinking about how much I love myself, I’m not really thinking about the aspects of me that, honestly, aren’t all that lovable.
“While I’m fairly conventionally attractive (thin, white, clear skin, symmetrical features), I doubt hairy legs, bound chests, and haircuts that make one look like a teenage boy are going to be all the rage at Cosmo any time soon.”
“You know what? I’m antisocial. I’m staying in on Friday night to watch My Little Pony. I’m cool with that.”
…Are you my long-lost twin?
I agree with you in terms of how “Love Yourself”/”Love Your Body”/etc is generally meant/interpreted. I don’t think that loving your body the way that you love My Little Pony (which it seems you do) is realistic.
I like this… revision? reimagining? reinterpretation?… of the meaning of “Love Your Body”:
I’ve heard that the English language has too few words for love, and perhaps people associate the idea of body love with romantic love; starry-eyed new relationship energy. That does seem a bit over the top to me. But isn’t body love – self love in general – more like loving a family member or a very old friend? There’s familiarity, a deep history, tolerance for quirks and foibles, steady affection, and an ability to forgive. Mature love isn’t about perfection or the elevation of an idealised object. It’s about respect and understanding. Don’t we all owe ourselves that?
I also think of how a lot of parents say that they love their children, but they sometimes don’t like them. And about “love as a verb”–treating yourself/your body as someone/something you value.
Just to be clear: I think your interpretation of “Love Yourself”/”Love Your Body”/etc. IS how most people mean and interpret it, and that SHOULD be criticized by people who don’t find it helpful. But I think if there’s a grain of wisdom within the idea of loving yourself, it’s the idea of valuing yourself while recognizing your flaws.
Hey! New episodes are on saturday mornings, not friday nights!
It’s curious that just when i’m tackling the self-love issue in myself i see many posts about it around. The last one i read was this one:
http://postmasculine.com/youre-okay
I’m still not done with this, but at least i know i’m not the only one
@Anon: I agree – bodies kind of suck; you have to feed them, keep them at the right temperature, etc., and they’re vulnerable to all kinds of damage. And the worst part is that you only get one, so if something does go wrong, you’re screwed.
The future can’t come soon enough.
@Doug S.: No you don’t agree. In fact you completely missed my point. Sure, bodies do kind of suck, but that wasn’t my point at all.
What I was getting at was that people, especially able-bodied people, butt in and tell you how you should feel about your body even if they couldn’t possibly understand your experience, which is ableist.