I think a lot of people underestimate how powerful social norms are. But humans are social animals! “My social group approves of me” is a big motivator for most people. But American culture has this whole rebellious individualism thing going on. So we have words like “good” and “cool” and “successful,” all of which essentially mean “my social group likes this!”
A lot of social norms are good. For instance, “you must not be stinky” is an excellent social norm (as anyone who’s been around someone with con crud can attest). Social approval or disapproval is a great way to handle actions that affect other people, but in such a minor way that anything more than social disapproval would be way too fucking coercive. Furthermore, social approval feels really really good! There’s nothing wrong with a “fans are unreasonably enthusiastic about children’s cartoons” norm, as long as the people who aren’t unreasonably enthusiastic about children’s cartoons are free to hang out with the “watches the football game every Sunday” group. And a lot of social norms don’t really matter– “everyone stands facing the door on the elevator” is a norm, but a minor constraint on one’s “which way do I face in the elevator?” choices has very little effect on one’s life.
But a lot of social norms are really dumb. For instance: I do not like my college’s parties. They are loud and involve drinking and drug-taking (which I have a phobia of) and lots of strangers (which I also have a phobia of). The music makes it hard to talk, and I can’t follow a conversation with more than a handful of people in it anyway. I like dancing, but I can dance in my room alone just as well. Practically, whenever I go to one I tend to fall asleep in the room intended for people who are having bad trips (which is admittedly an awesome room that has vegan cookies and tea and stuffed animals and crayons). It is completely irrational for me to go to a party. And yet every time I kiss my boyfriend goodbye as he goes off to the party I feel this sense of “I ought to be going to the party!”
Because… well, you’re supposed to. Going to parties is cool. Staying inside alone and reading is Terminally Uncool. It is a Sad and Pathetic and Lonely thing and therefore (my brain insists) I ought to not be Sad and Pathetic and Lonely by… doing something I don’t enjoy and that gives me panic attacks. Okay. That’s dumb. It benefits no one, as far as I can tell, and makes me feel like shit for no reason.
A lot of social justice-y things are really bad social norms. (Structural marginalization is obviously a case of unnecessary constraints upon choices, and thus Bad.)
“Women should prioritize their families over their careers, and men vice versa” is dumb: what if the man would be happier as the primary caregiver? “Trans people must know they were trans from early in their lives, be gender-conforming, want all available surgeries and hormones, and fit perfectly into the binary, or they are Not Really Trans” is dumb: what if you aren’t and you’d still be happy with a different hormone arrangement? “Bisexuals should be equally attracted to men and women and ideally date 50% men and 50% women” is dumb: what if you happen to meet a string of really cool guys, does that invalidate your attraction to women?
There’s a really cool book by two linguists (one is Penelope Eckhart) which is about language and gender that I think you might be into given your interests in social norms and gender. It’s largely about the way children’s personality development and identities are constrained and influenced by linguistic conventions. So they look at research, for example, on the way parents talk to their infant/young children, and how certain behaviours perceived to be gender-salient are reinforced or discouraged, and the asymmetrical ways these pattern based on the perceived gender of the child. (So, for example, research tends to show how male children are more strongly reprimanded than female children for crossing perceived gender lines).
They also look at the ways boys and girls use language as they age to establish social hierarchies which further entrench their developing senses of identity. If you’re interested, send me a message and I can “help you find it”.
Devoff, is that “Language and Gender”? http://www.amazon.com/Language-Gender-Penelope-Eckert/dp/1107659361
In Defense of Stereotypes – Ozy Frantz's Blog
This also sounds like a case of “I don’t want to disappoint my [boy]friend[s] by not being there with them when they’re off having fun…”
@Sam: yeah! Apparently I spelled her name wrong.
“Because… well, you’re supposed to. Going to parties is cool. Staying inside alone and reading is Terminally Uncool. It is a Sad and Pathetic and Lonely thing and therefore (my brain insists) I ought to not be Sad and Pathetic and Lonely by… doing something I don’t enjoy and that gives me panic attacks. Okay. That’s dumb. It benefits no one, as far as I can tell, and makes me feel like shit for no reason.”
I SO know what you’re talking about! I struggled with this when I was in college, too (in fact I still do to a certain extent, but I’ve gotten a lot better). I also didn’t really enjoy a lot of the parties I attended (although it sounds like the ones you attend would be much more enjoyable for me- the “bad trip room” is a great idea!) but I felt like I HAD to go to them or I was Uncool or Not Having a Complete College Experience. It sucked, because if I went to the parties I usually ended up spending the whole time wishing I was somewhere else, and sometimes the consequences were even worse (panic attacks, sexual assault), but if I stayed home, I would feel lonely, left out, and miserable all night. It wasn’t until my senior year of college that I realized that I much prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings where you can actually have a conversation and do things like play complex board games or watch and discuss foreign films… and that having those preferences is okay! In fact, I probably would have had a better college experience if I had gone against the partying social norm earlier.
Now, sometimes I still feel like a loser when I choose to stay in on a Friday night, even when it’s a logical choice because I’m tired and none of my friends are doing anything really appealing anyway.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I agree that this particular social norm is dumb!